Great news, Dodgers fans! Dodger Stadium attendance is way up! Unfortunately, most of those now in attendance are police officers.
As you no doubt recall, a baseball fan named Bryan Stow was either uninformed or naive enough to wear a San Francisco Giants jersey to a Dodger home opening day. As a result, he was senselessly beaten into a coma. Another proud day for Dodger fans.
But what can you expect from a stadium operations team that lets a gang banging rap star read its code of conduct on the big screen before every game?
Above: pic of “Honorary Dodger” Snoop Dogg. Maybe OJ could announce the code of conduct on the Dodgervision screen next season?
Nonetheless, Pasadena Snob made a brave journey to Dodger stadium to see just what, if anything, had changed since the beating and resulting media attention.
The change in atmosphere at Dodger Stadium is obvious – as you approach the entry gates to pay for your $15 parking permit, you are greeted by police officers straight out of Mirrored Sunglass Roadblock Staredown Cop central casting.
With cars facing sideways and flashing lights on for full effect, LAPD officers stand guard and stare at you as you fork over your $15.
This is the same technique used in Iraqi roadblocks, by the way. What the hell are we getting into? Is this a baseball game or a Noriega rally?
Then it dawns on you. Dodger Stadium has gone from Pomona-State-Fair anarchy to a Third World Police State in just days.
But let’s continue with our tour.
As you drive into the parking lot, it is hard to avoid seeing police everywhere…
Police cars driving towards you….
Police cars driving by you…
…so many cops everywhere that they are almost hitting each other. Surely the cost of all this police presence must be massive.
Who is paying for all this overtime? Isn’t L.A. broke? Aren’t the Dodgers broke? Is this money coming out of the McCourt’s yacht payments? Or are taxpayers getting screwed somehow? We don’t know, but something tells me it’s the latter.
Lets get inside and get settled. How are our seats?
Great, of course. Probably many people from Pasadena right around us.
In all the games we’ve visited in previous years, the “Dodger Stadium Staff” would walk down to the font of each aisle each half inning. They would then turn around and stare blankly at the spectators, or try to grab a beach ball or two. Do you remember these staff? They fell into 3 types:
1) Ancient grizzled white men who obviously never heard of a 401k
2) 120 pound, mopey 18 year olds trying to grow a mustache who live with their mothers in Highland Park. (These peoples’ uncles are likely the ones who committed the beating in the first place.)
3) 300 pound single mothers who might also be found in the Telemundo studio audience of the Spanish version of People’s Court, whatever that’s called.
The above photo represents type b) of the crack Dodgers stadium staff. We say crack because they are probably smoking it after the game.
But these types are gone. Now, a fully armed, uniformed police officer is manning the aisle, every half inning:
Speaking of the police – since the beating, police have released some composite drawings of the beating suspects:
It has been weeks since the beating, and still no one has been caught. No doubt this is because half of the residents living within a 9 mile radius of dodger stadium look exactly like this drawing.
Pasadena Snob has been working hard on this case, however. We have some theories and strategies that can be used to bring these people to justice.
The actors who played Rancho Cucamonga residents Joker, Baby Joker, and Little Joker in the movie Next Friday should be immediately questioned.
The two guys on the right look a lot like the suspects, don’t they? Too much of a coincidence here.
THEORY 2: TIME TO LOCK DOWN THE BLEACHERS
But all is not lost. We have a plan that is 100% guaranteed to find the suspects. The plan involves getting information from the perps’ friends and relatives. Our plan is to cordon off certain areas:
After each game is over, don’t let anyone in the left or right bleachers exit until they have undergone a full polygraph test, asking if they know who did it. Then, if they fail the test, whisk them off to Pakistan for full waterboarding. It worked with getting Osama, didn’t it? Forget what that kook Michael Moore says.
Returning to our game….after 9 innings of solid play the Dodgers beat the Braves 6 to 1. Come to think of it, we didn’t see many Braves jerseys in the park, did we? Could it be that either visiting fans know that wearing an away jersey can get you killed, or are they just too scared to even show up? Based on all the empty seats in Dodger Stadium on this beautiful warm night, we suspect it is the latter.
Leaving Dodger Stadium in triumph, we can see beautiful lights exploding across the nighttime sky.
Could it be one of those great post game fireworks celebrations?
No, it’s dozens of police car lights flashing all at once across the Dodger Stadium parking expanse.
Pasadena Snob has heard reports that on opening day, lots of cars had glass bottles placed in front of the back tires by the the sort known locally as “The Raiders Fan Type”.
Surely all this police presence has eliminated that type of thing? All the money spent on security, the massive show of force? As we approach our car in the parking lot we see that although we are all under guard, nothing much has changed..
Broken glass and that hallmark of class, a 24 ounce Modelo beer can. Pretty much sums up Dodger Stadium nowadays.
1) A recent junta or non-procedural overthrow of previous regime: see Bud Selig’s recent mafia style takeover of the team.
2) Incompetent rulers: the reason for #1 above
3) Massive debt: the Dodgers are in debt like some badly run South American country
4) Inability to meet short term financial obligations: things got so bad that the owner might not have been able to make payroll
5) Blatant cronyism: owner Frank McCourt made his wife CEO of operations or some such nonsense.
6) Police state: see pictures above
7) Swings between anarchy and heavy shows of force: see pictures above in response to opening day chaos
8) No dissention tolerated: the Dodgers recently announced a ban on swearing at games – if you swear, you will be kicked out